Helping the Hurting

How to reach out to kids who are picked on.

You're talking too much, said Jack Merridew.
"Shut up, Fatty."
"He's not Fatty," cried Ralph, "His real name's Piggy!"
"Piggy!"
"Piggy!"
"Oh, Piggy!"

William Golding, Lord of the Flies

Almost every classroom has them: Students who get more than their share of harrassment from other students. Students who continually bear the taunting remarks of others. Students who get shoved, tripped and hit by crueler classmates.

Although it may be tempting to look the other way, ignoring the problem essentially leaves weaker students at the mercy of others. It also contributes to tension in the classroom, which can interfere with your ability to teach.

Ignoring the problem essentially leaves weaker students at the mercy of others.

As child psychologist James Dobson points out in his book Solid Answers, "When a strong, loving teacher comes to the aid of the least respected child in the class ... something dramatic occurs in the emotional climate of the room. Every child seems to utter an audible sigh of relief. The same thought bounces around in many little heads: ˜If Nancy is safe from ridicule,” even Nancy, ” then I must be safe, too."

But what can you do about peer abuse? How can you protect the students everyone else seems to pick on?

An Ounce of Prevention
"Address it and prevent it." That is the philosophy of veteran teacher Marit Ann Brandt whose classroom, year after year, is nearly void of the taunting and bullying so common among schoolchildren. By using role playing and teaching peace-making techniques, she equips her students with knowledge and tools: knowledge of what good behavior is, and tools to deal with bad behavior when it occurs.

Rather than waiting for someone to get picked on before getting involved, Brandt teaches coping strategies to her second-grade students early in the school year.

"The key is to begin the year off slowly, carefully, with a lot of discussion about accepting one another; about diversity; that all children are not alike," says Brandt.

By acting out a situation where one student is being picked on by another, children learn to empathize with the underdog and think about what they will do if someone picks on them. Often, Brandt plays the bully at first, demonstrating the anti-social behavior and helping her students form a response that stops the behavior in its tracks.

"Sometimes it's as simple as teaching the kids to look the bully right in the eye and say, ˜Stop it!" Through peace making, Brandt teaches her students to express what has caused their "heart to hurt" and to suggest alternative behavior for next time, using "I don't like it when ..." and "Next time please ..." statements.

From the very start, she assures her students ”with words and actions” that she will confront every problem that occurs. By practicing constructive confrontation and addressing problems in front of the class at the beginning of the school year, she turns problems into teaching tools and builds trust among her students.

A Pound of Cure

But what should a teacher do once a problem has occurred? Prof. Thomas Lickona, developmental psychologist and author of Educating for Character, suggests comforting the child who has been ridiculed by saying something like "I am very sorry that this happened; what they did was very wrong" and assuring the wounded child that you will take every possible action to prevent future injustices and to keep him safe.

"Because victims of peer cruelty often suffer more from fear of future harassment than from the pain of a particular incident of abuse, it is important for the adult to convey, in a very concrete way, what adults plan to do to stop the abuse. Without such assurance, the victim will not be able to feel secure at school or to concentrate on school work."

Dr. Lickona recommends the following steps to improve a situation where one student is preying on another:

Monitor the situation closely and ask the wounded child to report future incidents of peer cruelty.

Respond to the problem swiftly; deal with bullies in a way that lets them know what they did was wrong and motivates them to change their behavior (punishment without moral education leads bullies to find subtle ways to inflict peer abuse that are difficult to monitor). Have the offending child commit to a written plan of behavior expectations and consequences.

Contact the victim's parents to assure them you're aware of the situation and have talked to their child. Tell them what steps you have taken to stop the abuse. Ask them to call you in a week to touch base, and let them know they can call you anytime to report future problems.

Seek out help from other staff (other teachers, counselors, the assistant principal); bullies tend to cast a wide net and it is likely other students are victims.

Ask the wounded child, "What would make you feel safe; what would keep this from happening again?"

Of course, the solution doesn't stop there. The aggressor must be disciplined, even for the first offense. Consequences should be firm and meaningful. They may range from having the bully write a letter of apology, to asking the guilty child what may be done to make up for the hurt he has caused. According to Lickona, the most effective discipline involves restitution: making and carrying out a plan to make things right.

In a situation where the trouble-maker is unrepentant, it may be necessary to bring out a different side of the bully's moral character. In one successful case, a teacher helped change the way a fourth grade bully treated schoolmates. She made the troublemaker the protector of a 1st-grade paraplegic, on the condition that he didn't get in fights. If he got in fights, he lost the responsibility, which for him was a privilege. He stopped his fighting.

As much as the tormented child needs you, the tormentor may be even needier. Bullies often inflict pain on others out of a sense of inferiority and insecurity and try to build themselves up by tearing others down. You can help them overcome their insecurity by identifying a strength or talent and encouraging them to develop it. In the process, you may help reduce their need to criticize and attack others.

Kindness Isn't Cool

In his classic, The Lord of the Flies, William Golding captured in prose what humans have long observed: Children can be very cruel. And in their journey toward maturity, they are often struggling to shape their identity in a way that allows them to "belong." Unfortunately, membership in the in-crowd is often obtained at the expense of others. How can teachers instill kindness at a time when coolness seems more important? Prof. Lickona offers the following suggestions:

Classroom community-building. Foster an environment where friendly relations and group solidarity are encouraged through activities such as asking students to share good news or compliment each other.

Rule-setting. Early on, establish rules for respectful and responsible behavior. Students who participate in the rule-making process tend to "own" the rules.

Cooperative learning. Pair students for interdependent work projects. This helps them to get to know, appreciate and depend on classmates they wouldn't normally gravitate toward.

Children's Literature. Use good books to foster empathy.

See All, Know All

Some peer cruelty does take place beyond your sight at recess, in line at the cafeteria, during study hall. How can you stop that? It helps if you know what symptoms to look for.

As much as the tormented child needs you, the tormentor may be even needier.

Students who are routinely sad or depressed may be suffering from repeated attacks on their self-esteem. Students who appear reluctant to participate in free time, hesitant to go out for recess or anxious about leaving the classroom at the end of the day may be avoiding a bully's promise to "get them." Also take note of black eyes, cuts, scrapes and bruises. Don't be afraid to ask students what happened to cause the injury and follow up on suspicious answers (e.g., "I ran into a wall").

In the past, moral education was simply a matter of reinforcing the good behavior that most children were taught at home. But in a culture that often undermines wholesome living and strong family life, the teacher may be the only line of defense against peer hostility. Many of the kids in your classroom need guidance when it comes to standards for good behavior. Too many have absorbed a smorgasbord of "values" through television, movies, Internet, music and video games.

Teachers should go to great lengths to prevent and stop peer cruelty because their ability to teach ”to reach their students” depends on it.

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