What's a Parent to Do?

by Melissa Fryrear and Michele Fergueson

"Mom, Dad...I'm gay." How does a parent respond?

Hearing these words is often devastating to parents. The realization that a son or daughter is gay can bring very deep emotional reactions from parents: anger, fear, guilt, confusion, shame, hurt and sadness, to name only a few. Many questions immediately arise in a parent’s mind: What did I do wrong? Didn’t I love my child enough? How could my child have lied to me for so long? Doesn’t he or she know this is wrong? How am I going to deal with this? What are people going to think?

When Christian parents learn of their child’s homosexuality, it is very tempting to react more strongly to this situation than to other difficult circumstances such as a heterosexual son or daughter engaging in premarital sex. Much of this particularly aversive response comes from the stigma associated with homosexuality, especially within the Christian church. When the issue is homosexuality, parents feel more desperate.

It is important for parents to understand that it is probably just as difficult for their child to tell them about his or her struggle with homosexuality as it is for them to hear it. It is probably an issue the child has been struggling with for quite some time, even years, especially if the son or daughter is an adult.

Healthy boundaries

Parents naturally want to protect their children and feel a great deal of responsibility for their lives. It is crucial, though, that parents deal with their own boundaries when facing a child’s homosexuality. In their book Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe boundaries as “that which defines what is me versus what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”¹ In order for parents to deal with their child in a loving and supportive way, rather than in a manipulative or controlling fashion, parents must determine what is “theirs.”

They cannot control the life of his or her adult child—the child’s life is not the parents’. If an adult child declares that he or she is living a homosexual lifestyle, the parent cannot force him or her out of that decision. A parent is not responsible for his or her child’s decisions and actions. Many parents may try to convince a child to change things about him or herself through guilt-tripping, threatening or withdrawal; however, those are not healthy ways to relate. "Nowhere [in the Bible] are we commanded to have 'other-control,' although we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get it!" ² A parent must let go of their desire to have power over a child’s life and start focusing on what is within their influence.

Good grief

Because a parent experiences a great loss when he or she finds out about a child’s homosexuality, there is a process of grief that does, and should, occur. Parents do not need to pretend that nothing is wrong or that they are not upset. Parents have to grieve the loss of their expectations and future dreams for their son or daughter. For example, a mother’s hope for grandchildren or a father’s hope to walk his daughter down the wedding aisle. Needless to say, this is very painful.

What is called a “grieving cycle” occurs whenever a significant loss is experienced. The cycle includes: shock, protest, disorganization and reorganization. The cycle begins with emotional reactions and release and ends with facing reality, understanding personal responsibility and moving forward in life with hope.³ It is important that parents allow themselves the time to go through this cycle. For most mothers and fathers, it takes a number of months, possibly even one or two years. This process cannot be rushed, and there is no predetermined time limit.

Parents should also remember that they need to own their grief. The grief itself is the parent’s issue, not the child’s. It should not be used to make a child feel guilty; that is called manipulation and it is never healthy.

More than sexuality

Whether a child comes out of homosexuality or pursues that lifestyle, parents need to see their children as more than “gay” or “ex-gay.” He or she is a person, not just “a sexuality.” Although dynamics in the relationship certainly change, your son or daughter in many ways is still the same person. They have the same personality, the same talents, the same gifts, the same hopes and dreams. Try to see beyond the issue to the person. Good family relationships can exist despite one's homosexual struggle, but it may take time. Regina Griggs, director of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays, www.pfox.org), says, “We place too much emphasis on the sexual piece than on the emotional piece of us needing a relationship with our children; we need to have a relationship with our children outside of their sexuality.”

It is also important not to make homosexuality the only issue of discussion. Doing so will push your loved one away. Understand, though, parents have the right and should have permission to share their feelings and beliefs, even though their child disagrees with them. Balance is key. If your son or daughter always perceives you as badgering him or her, they will distance themselves more and more. Simply telling your child he or she is wrong or quoting Scripture to him or her will not, in-and-of-itself, draw them out of homosexuality. For example, how many people quit smoking simply because there is a Surgeon’s Warning on the side of the cigarette box? However, do not be hesitant to speak truth into their lives when you feel it is important to do so. Some parents are afraid to share their beliefs because their child will disassociate from them. That is co-dependency. You have a right to share your feelings and beliefs, and remember that balance is the key.

Home for the holidays

When the holidays are approaching, parents may be overwhelmed with the pending interaction with a gay child, especially if his or her partner may be present. Questions of “Should I invite my child’s partner to our home?” “Do I give him or her a present?” or “Where does everyone sleep?” come up. The line between loving your child and condoning sinful behavior seems especially blurry in these types of situations. You can walk in love, though, without abdicating your Christian boundaries.

It is important to mention first that you are not obligated to interact with your child’s partner if you are not comfortable doing that; being honest is the best for all involved. Parents who are able to interact with their child’s partner have often needed a long time to adjust, and they have taken gradual steps.

Most parents, when first learning of their child’s homosexuality, are barely able to utter the word “homosexual.” The thought of meeting their child’s partner seems overwhelming, and understandably so. Parents need to process initial emotions. Often in time, a parent’s defensiveness or aversion diminishes.

Many mothers and fathers think of their own child and how they hope they would be treated by the other family. A number of parents also begin to see their child’s partner through Christ’s eyes and heart. They have a burden to express Christ’s love and to share the gospel with him or her. Anita Worthen discusses this in her book, Someone I Love Is Gay. She says, “Your child’s partner is not the enemy. He or she is someone God loves—just as He loves your son or daughter”³. Understand, too, that if you accept and love your child’s partner, it does not mean you accept homosexuality. The two are mutually exclusive. You can “agree to disagree” on this issue and yet be in relationship.

A good measuring stick in regard for handling sleeping arrangements if your child’s partner is staying overnight is to ask yourself, “How would I handle this situation if my child wanted to bring home an opposite-sex partner?” Probably a parent would invite that person into his or her home, but agree on separate sleeping arrangements. If your child objects, or accuses you of being homophobic, share that you would ask this of anyone who stayed in your home who is not married. Remember, you have a right to set boundaries in your own home.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers, and there are no shortcuts. Confrontation is almost always involved, too. Confrontation, though, is not intrinsically bad; but it is awkward and difficult. In this crisis, though, the opportunity exists for a great healing to occur. God can turn this situation into one that brings the entire family into a deeper relationship with one another. The family was designed to be a support system, a place of love and safety. Parents have the unique opportunity to help their child by dealing with the roots of the problem because many of them began within the family. That can only happen when parents are willing to pursue greater personal health and to learning a new way of relating as a family. This allows the child the support, love, and safety necessary for working through his or her own brokenness.

Griggs says, “I don’t know how we expect our children to change if we’re not willing to change ourselves…they didn’t create this situation in a vacuum. Parents have to deal with the situation as it affects them—deal with themselves.”

The problem, at first glace, may seem to lie only with the homosexual child, but a second look reveals family issues and relational patterns that contributed to the situation. Parents have to be willing to do several things:

1. Educate themselves on the issue of homosexuality;
2. Confess any ways they may have inadvertently wounded their child;
3. Find trusting others in whom they can confide and share;
4. Realize it may take years for their child to repent of homosexuality; and
5. Release their child into the good care of God. “When we let go of our loved ones, we stop taking responsibility for them. But we don’t stop fulfilling our responsibilities to them.”⁴

This article used by permission from Exodus International, North America. Exodus is a nonprofit, interdenominational Christian organization promoting the message of "Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ.” Since 1976, Exodus has grown to include over 100 local ministries in the USA and Canada. They are also linked with other Exodus world regions outside of North America, totaling almost 150 ministries in 17 countries. Within both the Christian and secular communities, Exodus has challenged those who respond to homosexuals with ignorance and fear, and those who uphold homosexuality as a valid orientation. These extremes fail to convey the fullness of redemption found in Jesus Christ, a gift which is available to all who commit their life and their sexuality to Him. For more information about Exodus, see www.exodus.to.

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