When a Loved One Says, 'I'm Gay'

by Bob Davies

Devastation of parents can be a reality upon discovering a child's involvement in homosexual activity.

Judy Hamilton can vividly recall the day, 16 years ago, when she found out about her oldest son’s homosexual involvement.

As a young adult, Darryl had moved from the family home in Texas to California. “Darryl and I had always been close,” Judy recalls, “so it was difficult to see him go, but I knew he had to live his own life.” Several months later, Judy received a long letter from him.

Darryl shared some exciting news: “I found someone that I care deeply about, and I’m in a relationship that is completely fulfilling.”

As Judy read further, however, her stomach lurched and she could hardly swallow. Darryl confessed that this romantic relationship involved another man. “I have had these strong feelings of attraction to men for as long as I can remember,” he wrote, “and I’ve always tried to hide them.” Now he was “coming out of the closet” and living as he believed God intended.

Judy was completely devastated. “I screamed, I ranted, I cried. I felt like I was bleeding deep inside, and there was no way to stop the gaping wound in my soul.”

Haunting grief

Whether the confession comes from a son or daughter, spouse or close friend, the admission of homosexuality hits like a bombshell, especially in Christian homes. Grief is the most common emotional reaction; and it is often overwhelming and crippling. The deeper the bond between you and your loved one, the deeper your hurt upon discovering his or her homosexuality.

Guilt is also a huge issue, especially for parents. It is common for them to ask, “Where did we go wrong?” They feel like total failures in one of their most important God-given roles. While parents are not to blame for their child’s homosexual struggle, it is also important for parents to understand their son’s or daughter’s homosexual feelings can arise from childhood pain, and sometimes parents have inadvertently contributed to that pain. It does not bring resolution to pretend that a parent did everything perfectly with his or her child. At the same time, all parents are imperfect; all parents cause pain in their children’s lives. This is not exclusive to parents of child struggling with homosexuality. Norman Wright, author of the book, Loving a Prodigal comments, “The misbehaviors of our children do not necessarily indicate that we are failures as parents. Our worth as parents does not hinge on the choices of our children.”¹

Parents are not responsible for what they cannot control. For example, they cannot control their child’s temperament. They cannot control their child’s perception. They cannot control their child’s temptations, or their child’s responses to those temptations. And they cannot control their adult child’s moral behavior. That, perhaps, is the hardest issue for some parents to face: the loss of control. Some parents spend years trying to regain control. They manipulate, they threaten, they yell. Ultimately, nothing works. The child is still involved in homosexuality.

Parents can easily get stuck in the “if only” syndrome: “If only I had been a better parent … If only I had become a Christian earlier in life … If only I had lived my faith more consistently … If only I had guessed what was going on earlier…” The list is endless. These types of thoughts can be tough to overcome. Obsessing over the past is not going to change anything. Parents must move forward, with God’s help.

Anita Worthen, co-author of the book, Someone I Love is Gay,² was a single mom during her 20s and 30s. She realized that her sins as a teen had led to a less than ideal situation for her son. So, she went to him and asked for his forgiveness. She did what she could to make the situation right. As she saw her son pursuing other men who were 20 years older, she knew that he was searching for a father’s love. She felt horrible, but she could not undo the past. She had to renounce the condemnation and accept the Lord’s forgiveness for her own past.

Key Issues to Face

There are some key issues that parents have to face to successfully “move beyond” the paralyzing, grief-stricken state of having a gay child.

The loss must be faced.³ Having a gay child entails the loss of future dreams, loss of control, loss of security, and loss of relationship, to name a few. These multiple losses trigger a grief reaction that can last for months or even several years.

Even if your child comes out of homosexuality, you will always live with the reality that your child has struggled in this area, that something profoundly wrong has occurred in his or her life that will leave a scar—even after healing. You will never see them in quite the same way again. And, in that sense, the way you look at that person has changed forever. This is a loss of great magnitude.

A profound, thought-provoking book on grief is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Gerald Sittser.⁴ In his book, Dr. Sittser describes the anguish of losing three of the most important people in his life one night in a terrible car accident involving a drunk driver going 85 mph who veered into their lane on the highway. In one blinding crash, Gerald lost his mother, his wife and his young daughter.

In the following days and weeks, Sittser went through the shock, the horrifying emotional pain and the crushing grief of his loss. He felt engulfed in a great darkness for months. Eventually, however, the darkness began to lift. The “sunrise” began to be felt and his emotional state returned somewhat to normal. However, three years after the accident, Sittser wrote these profound words:

“Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss.”

It is necessary to face the pain. Live through it, rather than run from it. Do not avoid it. Do not feel guilty about it. Do not quote Scriptures to push it away prematurely. Some of the healthiest parents have grieved the deepest over this tragedy of having a gay son or daughter. Some of them have been incapacitated for months following this discovery. Most worrisome are the ones who are “back to normal” after three weeks. They have not yet even faced the reality of this situation.

What causes homosexuality?

One of the biggest questions for parents and spouses is, “Is this my fault?” This gets down to the root issue of who is responsible for my gay loved one’s struggles with his or her sexuality. There are three possible answers:

Answer #1—God is responsible. This condition is genetic—so God caused it, or at least, allowed it to occur. Blame God. It is His fault. Some evangelical Christian parents have actually thrown out their biblical convictions that homosexuality is sin. It is genetic, they rationalize, so my child had no other option. “I guess the Bible doesn’t mean what I used to think it meant about this subject.” This is a false answer.

Answer #2—The son or daughter is responsible. It is his or her choice. Again, this is an erroneous solution. People do not consciously choose to be gay, in the vast majority of cases. They become aware of homosexual feelings, often at puberty, just as you became aware of heterosexual desires and attractions. It infuriates gays and lesbians when you tell them, “You chose this. Now stop it!” This is also a false answer.

Answer #3—Homosexuality is the result of a combination of multiple factors, and parents may, or may not, have contributed in some way to their loved one’s struggles in this area. To find answers, we must be willing to search for the truth, no matter where that search takes us. Are you willing to “walk in the truth,” no matter what answers you find? Are you committed to the truth? Or, are you happy with false solutions because they are easier? They take away the guilt (or do they?). They “fix” the problem—at least, for now.

Anita Worthen realized that she had sinned against her son, Tony, by becoming an unmarried mom. Tony grew up without a father. He was drawn sexually to men about his father’s age, and Anita saw the underlying dynamic: He was searching for the affectionate love from an older man that he never received from his biological, absent father. Anita had to go to Tony and ask his forgiveness—talk about the real issues instead of covering them over with excuses, denial or silence.

There are several steps to a new breakthrough in relating with your gay son or daughter:

1. Seek God for the truth. Ask Him, “Are there choices I made in my past that were sinful, that I need to repent of, that I need to confess to my child? Do I need to ask my child’s forgiveness?”
   
   
2. Go to your child and talk about it. You initiate the discussion, in a spirit of humility. Confess the truth: “Tony, I know that I made some wrong choices in my life that I believe have profoundly impacted you. You grew up without a father, and that was a result of my wrong choices. Can you forgive me?” Be vulnerable: “Are there specific incidents you remember where I offended you?”
   
   If we may say a personal word to dads. Some sons can remember specific incidents of rejection or perceived rejection that cause them pain to this day. By going to your son, you avail the opportunity for him to release that pain, so it no longer is hidden.
   
   This is a key point to remember: Most often, it is your child’s perception of the event—not necessarily the event itself—that shapes his or her pain. Most of a parent’s words and actions were unintentional; a mother or father did not realize how they were impacting their child’s life. In other cases, it was due to a parent's own brokenness. It has been said that we hurt other people out of our own hurt. For example, the boy who “never felt accepted by Dad.” Maybe his father was athletic and appeared to favor his other son, who was a sports enthusiast. When another son came along and wanted to take violin, Dad laughed and called him a “sissy.” The father was not intentionally trying to wound his son. And yet the child perceived the event as hurtful.
   
   
3. Based on your child’s answers to your questions, take the next appropriate step: Ask for forgiveness if necessary. Explain your perception of the situation. “I didn’t realize how much I hurt you that day. Will you forgive me?”
   
   

Love without compromise

Today, an estimated one out of four households is somehow touched by homosexuality. Most Christians want to be a redemptive influence, but many wonder how to show Christ’s love without appearing to condone the behavior.

One woman contacted an “ex-gay” Christian ministry for guidance. “I am going to a family dinner, and a gay cousin is going to be there,” she explained. “The family already thinks I’m a ‘religious nut.’ But I really feel that if I attend, I’ll be compromising my Christian convictions.”

After a few minutes of conversation, this woman admitted that most of her other relatives attending the dinner were unbelievers—not just the gay cousin. On previous occasions, she had never thought to cancel because of their sinful behavior patterns, and realized that her hesitation came from her personal feelings about homosexuality—not any biblical insights. She had to grapple with the realization that the Bible urges us to be a light where there is darkness, rather than hiding our witness from those who need it (See Matthew 5:16).

Sometimes, in thinking through a difficult family decision, it helps to take the word “homosexuality” out of the picture for a moment. For example, Janice was very upset because her daughter wanted to bring home her lesbian partner for the weekend. “What would you do if it was your son and a live-in girlfriend?” another mother asked her. Janice thought for a moment. “I’d welcome them both, but not allow them to share the same room,” she answered finally, then smiled as she saw the answer to her dilemma. We do not need to treat the person involved in homosexuality any differently from other family members caught up in other immoral behaviors.

In our discomfort, it is hard to remember that our child’s gay friends and lovers are not the enemy. They are hurting people who need God’s love. A surprising number of them have been exposed to Christian teaching, then abandoned their religious beliefs in adulthood. Some parents have seen their child’s lover recommit his or her life to Christ, then become an influence for their child to also abandon homosexuality.

Witnessing to a gay friend

In this era of gay rights, many of us know someone who is gay, whether a co-worker, neighbor or friend. We are often asked, “How do I witness to this person?” The answer is simple: The same way you share God’s truth with anyone else. Here are some pointers.

See a person, not a homosexual.

Your friend is a man or woman with complex fears, hopes and needs. Look beyond the “gay” or “lesbian” label to the whole person inside. Rather than seeing your friend as a homosexual, think of him or her as a person with a homosexual problem.

Be willing to listen.
Often, an individual involved in homosexuality has been deeply wounded by well-meaning but ignorant Christians. Many former homosexuals recall being in a gay pride parade and hearing shouted insults from church people standing on the sidelines. “Who would want to follow a God like the one they’re displaying?” they wondered. It was not until sincere, kind and understanding Christians befriended them and took the time to get beyond their “pro-gay” facade. In time, they each were led to Christ.

Point your friend to Jesus, not to heterosexuality.
Women or men caught in homosexuality cannot change on their own; they need the power of Christ working in their lives before the change will occur. Often, they have little motivation to change until God opens their eyes to His truths. As He begins the healing work in them, He will highlight areas in their life which must be surrendered to Him.

Do not expect to know all the answers.
You do not have to become an expert on all aspects of homosexuality before you can be a godly influence on your gay loved one. When discussing the issue, it is okay to say you do not know, but you will find out and get back to them later. (Then do it!) God’s love working through you will change his or her mind, not winning an argument.

Give hope for something better.
Be the bearer of good tidings, not just the announcement that a certain lifestyle is sinful. Although the Bible is clear that homosexual practice is against God’s pattern for humankind, 1 Cor. 6:11 gives clear evidence that gays can change. For more information about a global ministry that helps men and women overcome homosexuality, contact Exodus International, North America (P.O. Box 540119, Orlando, FL 32854; 888-264-0877; www.exodus.to) For example, they have dozens of testimonies of men and women who have overcome homosexuality. You can then use those stories as discussion-starters in future conversations with your loved one.

Marriage and gay spouses

Homosexuality also invades many Christian marriages. It is heartbreaking to counsel people who have either just found out that their spouse is gay, or they are dealing with the heartache of having a spouse desert the marriage for a homosexual relationship.

Sheila Hood had detected symptoms of a deep conflict in her husband’s life since the beginning of their marriage. In public, Bill was usually calm and gentle. In the privacy of their home, he was a different person—often moody, withdrawn and violently angry. There were other signs of a hidden problem: the times he would slip his wedding ring back on his finger after returning from an especially late night in the city … the way his eyes met with those of men who were strangers … the preoccupation he had with his outward appearance that had nothing to do with pleasing his wife.

Sheila sensed a growing distance between them; so, finally, she confronted Bill. At first, he said nothing; he just stared straight ahead without expression. Finally, he confessed the truth: “There’s something I haven’t told you. I have this terrible battle raging inside of me all the time. It’s not against you. It’s just that I, well, it’s just that I prefer to be with men.”

“Do you mean intimately, sexually?” Sheila felt her heart crushing inside her. “Yes.” Bill lowered his gaze toward the floor. “But until recently, it’s just been the thoughts.” Suddenly hot tears poured down Sheila’s face as she realized that her husband had been guilty of adultery with other men. Eventually, after Bill refused to get help, the couple separated and later divorced.⁵

Why do gays marry?
A surprising number of homosexually-inclined individuals marry unsuspecting spouses. One Christian counselor who specializes in homosexual issues says that about one-third of his homosexual clients are married men. In a secular book, The Other Side of the Closet,⁶ Dr. Amity Buxton says that numerous studies reveal that about 20 percent of gay men and up to 35 percent of lesbians enter into heterosexual marriage.

There are many possible reasons: they may be seeking a “normal” life, or they think marriage will “fix” their homosexuality; they have a desire for social approval and acceptance; they feel pressured by family and friends; or they have a genuine desire for children. Whatever the reasons, the resultant problems in the marriage are not the straight spouse’s fault. Usually he or she is an innocent bystander in an unfolding tragedy.

Most often, these middle-aged men and women have deeper unresolved issues from their past, such as childhood sexual abuse, which they have never dealt with. These hidden problems eventually surface, and then they manifest as inappropriate same-sex longings. The person does not know where on earth these feelings are coming from and, in today’s “gay-affirmative” culture, wrongly assumes that the solution is to go out and have sex with a person of their own gender. After several experiences, these people are deceived into thinking that they have finally found the answer to these inner struggles, and they also conclude that they were gay all along—but just did not realize it. So, they take on a false solution to a very genuine problem. It is a total deception—and they lose their marriage in the process. Like parents, many spouses and ex-spouses are consumed with guilt. It is important to remember that, almost always, the homosexual problem pre-dated the marriage. The seeds of homosexuality are usually sown in childhood, even though they may not manifest until adulthood. In fact, there are an increasing number of middle-aged men and women who are “coming out of the closet” and declaring their homosexuality. For some of them, there has been a hidden struggle going on for years. Some may have originally married in the hopes that their same-sex attractions would disappear—which rarely happens. If anything, the stresses of marriage can trigger even more temptations in this area.

What about after divorce?
If divorce occurs and the spouse adopts an openly homosexual lifestyle, there are numerous issues to consider. Perhaps one of the most volatile subjects in regard to gay ex-spouses is the issue of child visitation. Christian parents are deeply concerned about the influence a gay parent might have on their children. What should you do?

First, realize that there are no easy answers. Work hard to promote an atmosphere of openness in your home so your children can communicate their questions and fears to you. Initiate dialogue with your children about the gay parent’s homosexuality—age appropriate, of course. Depending on their ages and the frequency of visitation, your children may be forced to deal with adult issues, and they need your adult perspective. “Kids need to talk with parents about sexuality, sexual behavior and sexual morality,” says Connie Marshner in her book, Decent Exposure.⁷ “Many of us don’t have healthy patterns of communication with our children, and many of us have never observed healthy patterns of communication with children.” She advises parents to seek specialized help if they do not know how to promote open communication with their young children.

Second, recognize your children’s legitimate need for your ex-spouse. The parent-child relationship is not automatically severed by your divorce. Many gay parents have enormous love for their children, and one of their greatest fears is losing that relationship. Try to evaluate your ex-spouse’s behavior and attitudes toward the children apart from his or her homosexuality. Is she affirming and affectionate toward them? Does he demonstrate financial commitment toward the family? Does she maintain discretion in being affectionate with a female partner in front of the children?

Pray daily for your child’s emotional and spiritual protection. Homosexuality is not “caught” from a gay parent. In fact, an affectionate father decreases a boy’s vulnerability to homosexual temptation—because homosexuality is based on a lack of same-sex affirmation. However, any ungodly influence can hinder a child’s development. And some children with a gay parent experience periods of doubt about their own sexual identity. These doubts are reinforced by the modern media’s mythical claim that homosexuality is genetic (and, therefore, something that can be inherited from a parent). As your children grow older, educate them about the realities of homosexuality and how it really develops. (Helpful resources are listed at the end of this article.)

What to tell younger children

Parents, even those who do well in sharing the usual “facts of life” with young children, can stumble in trying to address the topic of homosexuality. Children need their questions answered; in today’s world, they are hearing about this subject from the early grade school years. The best strategy is to keep it simple. “Mommy, why are those two women holding hands?” a youngster may ask about a lesbian neighbor.

A possible answer: “Well honey, some people think that they should love each other like mommies and daddies do. But God didn’t make two men or two women to love each other this way.” Never lie; do not give out false information, even when homosexuality is occurring in your home and you are tempted to “cover” for the older sibling or spouse involved. Answer questions directly, again, giving information appropriate to the age of the child. Pray for wisdom, too. One Christian father prayed for God’s perfect timing on telling his sons that their favorite cousin had embraced homosexuality. After this uncle’s disclosure, his boys continued to love their cousin, and even changed their attitude. No longer were gays just “a bunch of faggots.” Also be sure to convey compassion for those caught in sin, even while speaking disapproval of their behavior. Remember that your tone of voice and body language speak louder than words.

Influence—not control

As a parent or spouse moves through his or her emotional responses to a gay loved one, they reach a place of healthy freedom when they stop taking responsibility for the other person’s life. And they begin separating their identity and their feelings of guilt from their loved one. They begin to think less about “How does this person’s actions reflect on me?” They begin to detach from them in the area of responsibility. The son or daughter, or spouse, must make his or her own choices in life, and a family member can influence—but not control—them.

How to be a Positive Influence

As Christians, we are to become role models of Christ, especially to our loved ones. We exhibit His character in many ways. In demonstrating humility. In taking the first step in reconciliation. In modeling repentance. In taking responsibility for our own behavior. These show, rather than tell, the other person what the character of Jesus Christ is like.

The other most important arena of influence is our prayers. God’s Spirit can “wrestle” with that person whether they are next door or across the world. Here are some specific ways that you can pray:

• Pray the “Hound of Heaven” will pursue your loved one relentlessly.
  
  
• Pray the Lord will send caring and loving Christians into your loved one’s life to act as Christ’s ambassadors.
  
  
• Pray the Lord will expose your loved one to the Gospel, and reveal to their heart who Jesus Christ is.
  
  
• Pray, too, that God will give them the faith necessary.
  
  
• Pray that God will convict your loved one of his or her sin. (God’s ultimate goal is not punishment, but repentance.)
  
  
• Pray that your heart will remain open to your loved one so you can be a channel of God’s grace.
  
  

There are thousands of “ex-gay” men and women who bear testimony to the power of prayer and a loving witness for Christ in their lives.

Tom Cole, now happily married with four children, remembers how the witness of a Christian co-worker changed the whole direction of his life. He was 26 at the time, and had been involved in dozens of gay relationships since the age of 19. He was despairing and lonely. Then he met a woman named Rosie, a waitress at the restaurant where Tom was a cook. Tom was flagrant about his homosexuality, and Rosie was equally outspoken about her Christian faith.

One night as she was leaving work to go home, Rosie told Tom, “My husband and I will be praying for you.” Tom was shocked. “You pray for me?” “Yes,” Rosie said, “We pray for you every night.” As she went out the door, she added, “Tom, I love you. I just want you to know that I love you.”

Tom recalls the impact of her words: “The words ripped my heart open. I knew she was speaking the truth. I knew she loved me. All the years of hurt and pain and hardness were suddenly broken open. The wall I had erected in my heart was blasted down. I began to cry as the realization of what she’d said hit me. I ducked under the counter so she couldn’t see me crying. I knew at that moment that whatever it was she had, I wanted it too.”⁸

Several weeks later, Tom went to church with Rosie and her husband and accepted Christ. They discipled Tom as a new believer. His early days as a Christian were not without serious challenges, Tom admits: “They saw me stumble and fall and then watched God pick me back up. They saw me come to Bible study and prayer meetings at their home drunk or high. But through it all, they walked with me; they prayed for me; they showed me God’s truth in Scripture. I would not be alive today if it weren’t for the witness of this beautiful woman in Christ.”⁹

“Debating the Scriptures”

Some people who are struggling with homosexuality may wonder if there is a loophole in the scriptural arguments against it. Maybe God does not really condemn this activity. Maybe there is some way that I can combine my Christian beliefs with a gay identity. This is the position of the “pro-gay Christian” movement, which has become increasingly strong in the last 35 years. Prior to the 1970s, it was largely unknown; today, its teachings are everywhere, even making inroads into evangelical congregations. For more information on this viewpoint, we highly recommend the book, A Strong Delusion: Confronting the “Gay Christian” Movement by Joe Dallas (Harvest House). This site also contains several articles written by Joe Dallas, just look under the “Theology” heading.

Joe was on pastoral staff at an evangelical church in southern California. He used to scoff at the local gay church when he drove by it—until he got ensnared in homosexuality and found himself visiting the local gay congregation to see what they really believed. He became caught up in this false theology for several years and was actually training to become a minister in the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), which is a pro-gay denomination.

But as Joe got more and more involved in this movement, he began to see that there was an emptiness in his life. He could not quite put his finger on the problem, but he felt out of sync. One day he found himself watching a Christian television program, and he heard a sermon about the biblical perspective of homosexuality.

Joe began to have doubts about the direction of his life. “What if I’m wrong?” he wondered. “What if the Bible really does condemn homosexuality?” Soon he was back in fellowship with his old church friends, and God pulled him out of MCC. He left homosexual activities and eventually became the president of Exodus, a Christian ex-gay organization. Today, Joe speaks all over the world on the false theology of the pro-gay movement and how to counter its teachings.

Keep a “Big Picture” Perspective

As you are counseling someone, remember to look beyond passages which address homosexuality. We need to examine the bigger biblical picture of what God intended for men and women. John was deeply involved in homosexuality. But after a few years, John found himself dissatisfied. He also had a major drinking problem from hanging out in gay bars every night. Then, he was befriended by a local pastor who was a regular customer at the copy shop where John worked. He didn’t know why, but this pastor treated him with love and respect, even though John was obviously gay.

One day this pastor asked if he could visit John. “Can I come over to your house? There is something I want to share with you.” John suspected that he was about to become this man’s latest evangelistic project, but he agreed anyway. He was growing increasingly unhappy with his life, and decided maybe this pastor had something he should look into.

So, the pastor came to visit, and their conversation led right into a discussion of the Scriptures. But, instead of talking about Romans 1 or 1 Corinthians 6, this pastor began talking about the first two chapters of Genesis and God’s original plan for men and women. Then the pastor read Genesis 1:26, “And God made man in His own image. In the image of God, He created him male and female.” Then they read Genesis 2:18, “Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. And he created woman.”

It was one of those divinely empowered moments when the scales fell off John’s eyes. He realized that homosexuality was not God’s intent for him. Within weeks, John became a Christian, and this pastor and his wife supported him in leaving homosexuality behind. Today, John is happily married with three children. His life shows me that the Scriptures can be very powerful. So don’t stop at sharing that homosexuality is wrong; show a person what God’s original intentions were.

In addition to this article, Focus on the Family has a booklet available entitled, When a Loved One Says, 'I'm Gay'. This resource can be ordered online at www.family.org, or call 1.800.A.Family.

REFERRALS

Exodus North America
P.O. Box 540119 Orlando, FL 32854 888-264-0877, in Orlando: 407-599-6872 www.exodus.to

National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) 16633 Ventura Boulevard, #1340 Encino, CA 91436 818-789-4440 www.narth.com

Regeneration Books P.O. Box 9830 Baltimore, MD 21284-9830 410-661-4337 www.regenbooks.com

Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (P-FOX) 14011/2 King Street Alexandria, VA 22314 703-739-8220 www.p-fox.org

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