The Truth About Domestic Violence in Marital Versus Cohabitational Relationships

by Virginia Wing

You may have heard the daunting statistic that every nine seconds, a woman is a victim of domestic violence. Or perhaps you heard it was every 12 seconds, or every 14 seconds, or every 15 seconds. ... So which is it?

Domestic violence is a rampant problem and plague in our nation today. It’s a crime that must be taken seriously, and because of this we need to be sure we correctly understand the facts. These startling statements concerning the frequency of domestic violence can mistakenly send the ominous message to women and society that marriage must be a “dangerous place.” One study even asked the question in its title if the marriage license was a “hitting license.” With the use of the term domestic violence, the connotation of spousal abuse or “wife beating” is quick to follow. However, after considering the following you may actually find that “girlfriend beating” is a more appropriate term.

How Safe is Marriage?

• According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, of all violent crimes against women by their intimate partners between 1979 and 1987, about 65 percent were committed by either a boyfriend or ex-husband, while only 9 percent were committed by husbands.¹
• Another study, published in the Journal of Family Violence, explains the following regarding the association between batterer and victim, “The most frequently cited relationship was cohabitation, with close to one-half (48 percent) of the couples living together.”²
• The Family Violence Research Program at the University of New Hampshire conducted a study of more than two thousand adults concerning this subject. It was concluded that the overall rates of violence for cohabiting couples was twice as high and the overall rate for “severe” violence was nearly five times as high for cohabiting couples when compared with married couples.³
• “Aggression is at least twice as common among cohabiters as it is among married partners,” states yet another expert, Dr. Jan E. Stets, in a major study comparing cohabitational and marital aggression. In a one year period, 35 out of every 100 cohabiting couples have experienced some form of physical aggression, compared to 15 out of every 100 married couples. The lowest percent was found among married couples at 19 percent.⁴
• A study published by the University of Chicago found that of women who had reportedly been forced to perform a sexual act, 46 percent reported that the aggressor was someone they were in love with but not married to, while only 9 percent reported that the aggressor was a spouse.⁵
• When it comes to hitting, shoving, and throwing things, cohabitating couples are more than three times more likely than marrieds to say things get that far out of hand.⁶

  Why is Cohabitation Unsafe?

  What makes cohabitational relationships so comparatively violent? There are two main factors. First, it has been found that cohabiters are less likely to be connected to a network of kin or peers who can serve to hold the couple accountable for their behavior toward each other.⁷ This can contribute to a feeling of isolation in the relationship and anonymity in committing acts of violence against a mate. Without a community of support, where is a woman to turn when her cohabitational relationship becomes abusive?

  Secondly, people entering cohabiting relationships show greater tendencies toward individualism, leading to a strong desire for self-autonomy within the relationship.⁸ One of the appeals of cohabitation is the increased freedom and decreased responsibility to a mate. However, a David Popenoe study reveals a stark difference between how a cohabiting man and woman view their relationship. A woman in a cohabiting relationship tends to see moving in with her mate as a step towards marriage, while a man tends to regard the relationship as more of a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment.⁹

  If a woman views a live-in relationship as the developmental stage toward marriage, and a cohabiting man hangs on to his ring-free, wild weekends with his buddies, great potential exists for conflict to develop over defining relationship boundaries. Too often in cohabiting relationships, conflict escalates into violence.

  Marriage Is Protective!

  It is clear from these facts that marriage truly is a safe haven for women. It is here that the permanence of lifelong commitment meets the proper confines of responsibility. The act of marriage provides the necessary stability and pledge of endurance required to maintain a healthy intimate relationship. Rather than a “hitting license,” the marriage license is one that demands and affords mutual respect and security.

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